Happy marriage

21 Mar

To get the picture completely clear I thought it would be good to take you right back to the start of my ‘love life’.

I was a regular 15 year old girl and like any girl of this age had always dreamt about meeting the man of my dreams and living happily ever after, this was a great thought but the problem I had was that I hadn’t even kissed anyone let alone fallen in love. The thought of having a boyfriend or anyone paying me any attention felt far away, my self esteem was low and I thought I was going to be left on the shelf.

At 16 years old I enrolled in fashion college, this was a huge step for me as I wasn’t the most independent person in the world and the thought of leaving my comfort zone seemed very daunting, I was soon put at ease the first day at college when I was greeted by a great bunch of classmates who made me feel so welcome, amongst these new friends was a boy called Danny, I noticed him by his eyebrow piercing and thought to myself he’s not bad.

As I was so insecure about my looks I never thought any boy would find me attractive as I didn’t feel attractive myself so the thought that Danny might like me never entered my mind.
As the weeks went by I started to develop my friendships and I found myself being drawn to Danny, we were hanging out all the time and I just loved been with him, he made me laugh and always encouraged me, could this friendship be turning into something else I thought?

As the months went by our bond together grew and on the 4th november 1999, Danny asked if ‘I’d go out with him?’ I tried to play it cool and said yes, but if it doesn’t work out can we still be friends?’ but the reality was that this was the best day of my life, someone liked me, someone wanted to be with me and the amazing thing was that I wanted to be with him.

20120321-172147.jpg Then and now, 13 years together

We were inseparable, we did everything together, we even got part time jobs at the same company just so we didn’t have to spend any time apart. I couldn’t imagine life without him, we brought out the all the good things in each other he made me value who I was, made me see the person that he saw and gave me the confidence i so needed, we were made for each other and even at 16 we knew that this was our destiny to be together.

After 2 years together Danny asked me to marry him, even though we were only 18. everyone who was close to us knew us as couple and couldn’t imagine us with anyone else, when making big life decisions if those closest to you are happy about it then its a good indication your doing the right thing, when you find ‘the one’ and I believe he or she is out there for every one of us then my thought is why wait?, I have always believed that marriage should be the start of your life and not the end. If two people are going the same direction, when their lives join, they take off! nothing can hold them back. The sad thing is a lot of couples marry without having the same ideas on how they want to take their journey of life, hence they stop and end up living a life holding each other back.

When planning our wedding we dreamt about it being the best and being a representation of our personalties, the only problem was that this was going to cost and as we were paying for the wedding ourselves we knew that our dream wedding would be a difficult task to achieve but that wasn’t going to hold us back, we knew we could do it somehow.

We planned the wedding to be in August 2002 and started working as much as we could to save money. We had to get part time jobs at a telesales centre to help pay for the big day, although we hated the jobs we could earn commission on selling kitchens and bathrooms over the phone, we had become those annoying people who cold call you when your just about to eat your dinner, sorry, but it was for the cause, every penny in commission we earned was put aside and we became super strict with our budget, so much so that our daily budget for lunch was set at £1 (9p bread roll and micro noodles) we managed to save quite a lot but still needed a minor miracle to pay for the wedding we wanted.

9 months later we got what we wanted, the perfect dream wedding, every detail was met, we were just blown away by peoples generosity, people would offer their talents as gifts or offer to pay for a section of the day, all this for us, these amazing family and friends made our dream a reality. We actually totted up what the day would have cost if we didn’t have all the help and it was close to £20,000, we felt the most amazing sense of proudness and gratitude knowing that if you set your heart on something and never loose sight of the end goal then YOU will get the rewards, our day was living proof of this statement.

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We started our marriage on the same page, both knowing each others wants and needs, both in tune with one another’s thoughts, if something Is going to work then all the components that make up that device must be working too, it’s the same with relationships, both have to be pulling in the right direction and if you strip it back its quite simple to work out the formula for a successful marriage.

Be best friends, I know this term may sound a bit cheesy but trust me it works. A best friend is someone that you can be yourself around, someone that you can trust with the any secret, someone that you can laugh and cry with, someone that no matter what you say or do will love you the same, someone that will fight your corner and someone that you can have fun with.

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Knowing each others love language, this may be a new term for you but this basically means knowing what your partner wants, there are 5 love languages and these are; words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, acts of service. These 5 simple things will automatically fall into our character type and one of these languages will be our favourable option that make us feel the most loved, the important thing is that your partner knows yours, here is an example

Your husband works away, he’s home for a few hours here and there and on occasions he may bring you some flowers or a nice piece of jewellery, he wonders why your never happy, after all he is spending all this money on gifts and working hard to support his family, the fact is your not bothered about the gifts as that doesn’t make you feel loved, what you are bothered about is spending some quality time with him, just being together makes you feel loved as you know he is putting you first.

This concept of love languages is about ‘speaking your partners’ language, find out what they like and do exactly that towards them, they will then feel loved which ultimately will lead to you feeling loved. I Recommend a book called ‘the five love languages’ by Gary Chapman

Trust, an obvious one that I’m sure everyone has had to deal with at some point but it’s so simple to get it right if your both honest and I mean honest about everything. I don’t believe that relationships should have secrets, secrets grow like weeds and they grow fast, the longer you leave it the deeper the root gets and the harder they are to dig up. Often if you have trust issues it hurts you more than it does your partner which is never healthy in a relationship, deal with it early to avoid it growing.

Heading in the same direction, this basically means being on the same page, if your partner has a dream to emigrate to south America and your dream is to live in Yorkshire your whole life then there’s going to be a problem, obviously there can always be a compromise but never to the point where you are holding each other back, you HAVE to be on the same team, that is the only recipe for success, opposite teams both want to win and that stubbornness can halt a relationship.

Love, this is an action towards each other that can be based on affection, kindness and compassion. Liking each other is not enough, if you split ‘love’ up then you can break it down to some key points that in marriage will help, the first one being attraction which ultimately develops a bond between the two parties, the second is ‘attachment’ which is the bond that will promote a long and healthy relationship and the last one is ‘commitment’ which is the promise that the relationship will be cemented together no matter what.

Friends, having great friends around you is very important. Chose friends that lift you up, encourage you and that you can have fun with. I don’t think it’s good as a couple to isolate yourselves from friendships, before long you will need them. Make sure you share a group of friends that you both can relate to, that you can help one another and bring the best out of.

These principles have been the key to my amazing marriage, this year we celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary and I can honestly say that it has been the best 10 years of my life, every day I get to wake up with the man of my dreams and every day seems like a new adventure. Now we get to start our family together building it on the foundation of our strong marriage

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Now I’m not claiming to be a marriage guru but what I can say is that we are blessed to have what we have and I don’t take the responsibility of marriage lightly, what I will say is that the formula we have definitely works so feel free to give it a shot

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5 Responses to “Happy marriage”

  1. Sarah March 21, 2012 at 11:16 pm #

    Love it Heath. Love that i have been able to see the story of you and Danny develop from the start and that i have had an ‘Original’ married friend to look towards as a great advert for a healthy and young marriage. x

  2. lauren February 6, 2013 at 5:06 pm #

    This story is so cute of how you and Danny met, it reminds me of me and my boyfriend we met at college when I was 16 and he was 17, we are now 20 & 21 and still as in love as when we first met. Hope we can be like you too in the future such a lovely and heartwarming story of everything you have both been through!
    Best of luck in the future!
    x

    • heatherfrancesca February 6, 2013 at 5:13 pm #

      Thanks for this Lauren, I’m sure you and your boyfriend will have a happy future xxx

  3. markscdk November 14, 2013 at 11:08 am #

    Hello I discovered your blog yesterday after watching the follow up on your experience on one born every minute, I just wanted to say I was so happy to find this post where you explain you have been together since college, I am only 18 and I married my husband in June right after our a-levels and we have been together since the age of 14, I always thought nobody could understand us because it’s quite hard to explain how it feels to other people and that you just know inside you that you have found the right person and it doesn’t matter we are young, so it was really encouraging to read you married young and that you still love each other so much after so many years, I know Mark and me will be just the same in ten years time but sometimes I wonder if we are the only couple who know they got it right so early in life and reading about you two made me feel it happens to other people too and it’s really nice. I found out I was already three weeks pregnant on my wedding day I’m in my 23rd week now, its a little boy and we will call him Travis and I am happy I’m going to be a young mum.
    My husband Mark keeps a blog which you can probably see as I think I’m looked in with his details, it’s all written in Italian tho as he keeps it for himself mainly.
    So I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story it made me feel like there is someone similar to us.
    Magdalen+Travis 23+1

    • heatherfrancesca November 14, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

      Hi! Congratulations on your marriage and your baby boy on the way. It’s lovely that like me, you have found the love of your life so young and it just gets better and better. Stay best friends and you can’t go wrong. How exciting you will be going from 2 to 3 enjoy every minute of becoming parents and trust your inner mum instincts. Create your family the way you and your husband want to, keep it always fun. Growing your family Is such an adventure there is no feeling like it 🙂 thank you so much for getting in touch, it’s really encouraging to hear feedback from people who read my blog.
      All the best with Travis, he will be here before you know it.
      Heather Francesca xx

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